Of Making New Plans, Letting Go, and Being Loved

It was just last night that I broke down and cried myself to death to sleep for some thing that is still unclear to me.  I don’t even know what exactly am I crying about.

Yesterday, I received the news of my brother’s MRI results: the doctors in St. Luke’s said that he needs to undergo operation on his lower back spine, since they found out that the fluid stopped circulating there.  That is why my brother’s feeling pain.  They also found out that there is something blocking, if I understood it correctly, the fluid from nourishing the bones, so they have to remove that.  It costs PhP180,000, and they (we) don’t have much.

I refuse to feel pity and not do anything about it when I knew I should be doing something; it hardly does anyone any good anyway.  Okay, I’ll quit fooling around with the ‘any’s.  I guess one factor that led me to break down last night, other than some pent-up frustrations or well-kept sadness, is that I’m somehow finding it difficult to muster enough courage to totally let go of money that big.  I’m not saying I’m materialistic–the money is from my company stock shares, which was awarded to me roughly two years ago–but I also had plans for that money…plans I would be doing less for myself and more for my parents.  It’s not much, but its a start, and I felt reluctant letting go because its like throwing away what I have planned  for a long time in doing to the two most important people in my life (my mom, especially). No matter how small, that money was supposed to be my biggest step.

Yet last night I found myself deciding on using the money for my brother’s operation.  Its a little funny…thinking about it now that I have planned on setting aside enough dough for my own operation.  Ha ha.  Well, I’ve placed an indelible period at the end of my decision of letting go.  I prayed for strength and comfort, and (understanding it now) cried all inhibitions, reluctance, and distrust out of me.  So when I express my wanting in helping them to my brother or my sister-in-law, I would say it with conviction and a smile.  No hard feelings, no internal squabbles, no meaningful and imposing looks as if to tell them they owe me their lives.  I don’t want to feel any of that crap.  Else, I won’t deserve loving from anyone this much….

But it looks like I do.  Job made my day and wiped that forlorn look on my face cause by horrible eyebags.  He gave me a surprise: downloaded MP3s of the Prince of Tennis soundtrack; a Mandarin, instrumental, and piano versions of “Because I’m a Girl” by KISS; and an MP3 of “What More Can I Give?” by Michael Jackson with various artists.

My boyfriend?  He brought me juice from the pantry–something he doesn’t normally do.

Best things in life are free, and great joys always come in small packages.

Its fun to watch, and most people love it than just listening, so I’m going to share the vidz of the aforementioned songs above.

Enjoy!

What More Can I Give?
Because I’m a Girl